Wednesday, February 25, 2009

About Last Night

So, she told me I pretty much hurt her feelings. She explained why. I apologized, realizing before she told me that I did treat her like a piece of meat, but on my defense (not an excuse) I reminded her the text messages she has sent me and let her know that it was like setting me up. She agreed.

When she first hit me with how she felt, I took some time to think of what I was going to chose to do. I realized that I did feel more for her than I was allowing myself to admit. I promised to behave, to tone it down and I literally told her that I would treat her like the delicate flower that she is. I meant it. She stated she was being oversensitive, I don't agree, or I don't see it that way. If I felt she was being oversensitive, I wouldn't bother with her, my ex was oversensitive and it was a difficult situation to handle ALL the time. I don't want that.

I admitted to her that I am scared. I haven't been in a relationship for 3 years now. Relationships require consideration towards one another and I have become lazy to that. I realize that I am used to doing my own thing, getting my own way and getting what I want, how I want, when I want it. Now, I have to learn to play with others. My sister is constantly telling me: "BE NICE. BE NICE" and now I'm getting that. Seeing it, realizing what she means.

I think I'm growing.

That show Dexter. I relate to him a lot. Not in the killing sense, but when he talks about feelings and him not knowing how certain things feel or how to react to them. I am the same. I don't know how to feel certain things or how to behave to certain feelings. I tend to take the easy way out. I don't like dealing with hard situations. I'm not used to it. My ex and I had a rough relationship and I think I'm stuck on the idea that everyone will make it that hard. So, I tend to just push people away or not try at all, just because in my head, that is easier.

So, I am making a choice and I told her that I was going to choose her. That I was going to make an effort to tone it down and give her what she wants AND deserves. I wasn't going to pressure her into anything and if she wanted to just move along then I was willing to move alongside of her.

I'm starting to ... hum, like her . . .

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